Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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