im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
