his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
