all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
