do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
