At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
