On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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