Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
