There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
