It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
