I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
