Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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