god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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