how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
