i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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