He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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