just come out here and I will go home with you...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
