I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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