I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
