the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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