why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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