It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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