I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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