Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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