She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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