i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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