ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
