nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
