Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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