and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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