Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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