Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
