That's when you crack a 10am beer
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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