I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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