It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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