I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize