Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize