Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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