just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
