Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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