i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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