I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
