saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
