She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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