my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
