he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
