I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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