I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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