Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How does it feel to date your dad?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
