The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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