yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
