I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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