Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
