I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
