I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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